Friday, November 7, 2008

F^#k Abstinence! Help Me Jeebus!

Sin So Well - Rebekah (mp3)
The Way the Wind Blows - Rush (mp3)

Ninety-five percent of Americans are deflowered before their wedding night. Only five out of every 100 of us make it to the altar as virgins. Mormons, atheists, Catholics, the Amish, Moonies, Protestants, agnostics, Jews, blacks, honkeys, dwarves, all of us.

This ain't the first time I've carped about this topic. Or even the second time. It won't be the last. For every single uncontrollable lusty urge we adults have, teenagers have, like, 200 of them. They have one for, like, everytime they say "like." Except they're expected to fight every single one of those urges, where we can go wake our spouse or significant other and have quick emergency sex. [NOTE: I've never done this, but I've read about it. OK, I've never even read about it, but we still have more options than teenagers.]

So long as there's millions of jackasses with blinders on who prefer their fairytale pretend 14 A.D. world where dinosaurs roamed with St. Paul over the one where actual people with blood and reproductive organs happen to reside, this topic will continue to fascinate me.

They act like Jesus was this unsympathetic block of ice who only spoke to or tolerated perfect people. If I weren't such a Christian, I'd want to bash their skulls with a dildo.

My dander got raised this time because of two recent stories. First, I just got around to reading the Newsweek issue that includes an article about the fading strength of the "Abstinence-Only" sex-ed movement. Then, in a conversation with a co-worker last week, I learned about a TV show called -- and I'm not even kidding -- "Purity Balls."

Stop chuckling. If you would like to know more about ... um ... Purity Balls, you can read a New York Times article, or if that rag is too socialistic and liberal for you, read the Glamour magazine article.

Mama doesn't like when I sin so well
Heaven's kinda far but I swear that when I'm comin' it's close
'Cuz I sin so well
Lead us not into temptation
Oh but what a way to go...

If Promise Rings rate a 7 out of 10 on the Awkard 'n' Icky Scale, then Purity Balls go to 11. It's one level of odd for a young lass to make a pledge to her Creator and wear a ring to symbolize that promise. It's an altogether different universe of FUBAR for a girl and her father to exchange vows.

The father vows to protect his daughter's chastity until she marries?!? Duuuuude, the only way in hell you can be absolutely certain to make good on that promise is to lock her up and eat the key (in a very non-sexual way). Who the f*#k do these guys think they are, Superman?? Do they have super-hearing? Can they hear the zipper on their daughter's jeans as she sits in her boyfriend's basement on the other side of town? And can they fly at the speed of sound over to his house, vibrate through the walls, and rescue her before that damn boy's fingers and other digits can do the walking?

"Are you ready to war for your daughter's purity?" Did a pastor really say that? Did he say it out loud? As if chastity could be protected like Fort Knox? As if a teenager's vagina can be defended like Iraq? What would a "troop surge" look like?

This pastor said it to a room full of men who, odds are, impregnated their wives prior to their being married or otherwise had sex with multiple women before settling down with the Missus. (OK, there's always those few dorks who couldn't get laid in a morgue who can, thanks to rose-colored glasses and revisionist history, look back on their virginity as some badge of honor, even though they had absolutely no say in it whatsoever.)

God might have to forgive me, but I just don't think He wants us to bury our head and ignore reality. Humans are not ostriches. That's why God made ostriches.

We can only go the way the wind blows
We can only bow to the here and now
Or be broken down blow by blow

What does it do to a child to be raised by a father who actually thinks he can control her virginity? What does it do when she believes having sex banishes her from the grace of God? How many Bristol Palins must there be before we stop shaming kids into dark corners in abandoned houses and right into teenage pregnancies?

Jesus wasn't trying to program us to walk into walls, like we're malfunctioning robots or something, too stupid to adjust to the shifting sands of time. Deep down, these people -- who are my brothers and sisters in faith no matter how much it pains myself or them -- know it. They know it because most of them work on Sundays (or condone those who do), and most of them happily condone the touching of a dead pig on Saturdays and Sundays, not to mention allllll that tasty, scrumptious, pulled pork BBQ! If you want more fun examples, just watch that oh-so-awesome clip from The West Wing.

White weddings were a brilliant idea for kids who married at 12 and 13. But Americans today get married, on average, at 25 years old. Sorry, but I don't believe Jesus ever intended people to wait 1/3 of their lives and stave off the most insanely hormonal phase of their lives anymore than God intended to make Sunday football punishable by death. Otherwise, Jeff Gordon is going to hell for failing to keep the Sabbath holy every time he gets in that damn car.

To SuperChristians, that makes me The "R" Word: a Relativist.
In SAT-speak, Relativist : Evil :: Uppity : "N Word"
Apparently, when they call someone a "relativist" is, well, relative.

Extremist religion -- particularly conservative Christianity -- is going to either be the death of all of us, or it will end up choking on its own vengeful angry bile. What do they care if they destroy us, since they're so hellbent on getting to heaven, and so very confident that they're the most specialest superduperest Chosen People among all of God's people? They've got nothing to lose, in their minds. Meanwhile, I'm happy to wait a while, enjoy the ride before having to step onto that great escalator to the sky.

Take these Purity Balls and shove 'em. And stop exchanging vows with your daughters; that's just sick, dudes. Besides, she's just in it for the bling of the ring. And just like her Mommy and Daddy, she ain't gonna deserve that white dress she wears when you give her away.

"Sin So Well" is from Rebekah's only album, Remember to Breathe. "The Way the Wind Blows" is from Rush's 18th and most recent studio album, Snakes + Arrows. Both can be purchased through iTunes or's mp3 site.


Anonymous said...

Yeah, Yeah, I know that you guys don't read my links, but please PLEASE read this's Jim Wallis' response to James Dobson, whose letter from 2012 in an Obama Nation, among other things "apocalyptically depicts terrorist attacks in American cities, churches losing their tax exempt status for not allowing gay marriages, pornography pushed in front of our children, doctors and nurses forced to perform abortions, euthanasia as commonplace, inner-city crime gone wild because of lack of gun ownership, home schooling banned, restricted religious speech, liberal censorship shutting down conservative talk shows, Christian publishers forced out of business, Israel nuked, power blackouts because of environmental restrictions, brave Christian resisters jailed by a liberal Supreme court, and finally, good Christian families emigrating to Australia and New Zealand."

Go to the link and read Wallis' brilliant response.

Karos said...

These dudes are one-off of pedophiles themselves if you ask me.

Going to go squeegie myself off now.