Thursday, May 20, 2010


Alien Ant Farm--"Movies" (mp3)
The Beatles--"Drive My Car" (mp3)

CASTING CALL: I’m planning to make a movie, and I really want you to be in it. If you drive a car, ride in a car, have ever ridden in a car, or plan to ride in a car in the future, I would like you to try out for a part. If you drive a motorcycle, I am prepared to hand you a part. If you are part of a motorcycle gang, even better.

It will be shot locally, using regular folks just like you as actors. I will shoot it on a shoestring budget, so I can’t really offer you much beyond union wages on the front end, but I will offer you a percentage of the profits. I expect it to do quite well in Somalia.

I was flipping through my Wii/Netflix instant playlist the other night, and I noticed how many movies have two words in their titles, especially of the adjective/noun variety: Sudden Impact, Dead Calm, Hard Bargain, Runaway Train, Inglorious Basterds, etc.

Sometimes, though, a single word is more dramatic.


Even if it is a noun which includes an adjective in it. Ponder the possibilities.


PLOT SYNOPSIS: A sinkhole opens on an interstate and various people drive their vehicles into it. Tragedy, heroism, comedy, birth, death, human interest all ensue.

TAGLINE: In life, everyone encounters bumps in the road, but for some, there’s……Sinkhole.

PITCH TO HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: “It’s Jaws meets Grand Canyon. It's a disaster epic like Poseidon Adventure, only on land, but they'll still have to escape from down below. I’m tellin’ ya, baby, you’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll be on the edge of your seat, it’ll be a great date movie. I see product tie-ins out the wazoo! At the theater, we’ll rename the bottomless popcorn/bottomless Coke combo the….well, you guessed it. Christmas time, picture this: a racing set where kids race their cars around the track, but at random moments, before they can get to the finish line, parents can push a secret button and they’ll hit, well, you know. Even a line of panties at Victoria’s Secret like those ones that said “Pink” but weren’t pink, I never really figured that out, but anyway, yes, a whole line of women’s undergarments, only these will say, well, I don’t want to get crude or nuthin'.”

GRATUITOUS OPENING SEX SCENE: A lacrosse player and his girlfriend headed to a party in Nashville get a little frisky while driving, start doing fun things to each other on a clear moonlit night, heading down the Interstate when all of a sudden they find themselves in Sinkhole.

So may you, if you're lucky enough to get a part.

And once we get that out of the way, we can get to the real stories. The down-on-his-luck singer headed to Nashville to give it one last shot. An ambulance racing a heart patient, a single mom, to Nashville for a heart transplant, her last shot. A couple of disgraced road construction workers looking for one last shot at redemption, stumbling across the kind of road problem that entire careers are made (or resuscitated) from. And maybe Howie Mandel as the leader of a gang of bald, badass bikers who take their freedom on the road in a last-shot, desperate attempt to capture the American Dream. Who will make it?

All must to get past..............Sinkhole.

There will be roles involving plenty of other everyday folks just trying to get to their destinations for various reasons. All of those reasons are probably their last shots, in one way or another. And they’ll never know what hit them…….or what they hit.


AUDITIONS: Friday, May 21st. Bring your car. Or motorcycle. Or bike.


goofytakemyhand said...

Sounds like a winner. Unlike your former colleague Coach Hollywood's disaster of a movie... though it did star Robert Loggia.

Daisy said...

What about scooters? Do they earn a part?

Bob said...

Even Big Wheels, Daisy.

Tockstar said...

Can I be the opportunistic villain who tosses an EPA inspector in the Sinkhole because I freakin' hate the environment?

Hank said...

Sorry Bob. Michael Bay already has this concept in production.

Randy said...

The villain can be a dude who built a fortune on selling bogus-insurance policies in Nashville before the flood hit, and as he tries to race out of town, he gets trapped in a....

Bob said...

Thanks to all for your expansive thinking. I had only been thinking of one-way travel, but clearly, with a bigger sinkhole, all kinds of new possibilities arise (or sink).

Billy said...

Does it have to be only one sinkhole? Can't it be more like Piranha, where sinkholes of varying sizes nefariously open up out of the blue?

Thom Anon said...

Save something for the sequel!

Billy said...

Oh yeah. And Kenny Loggins could do the theme song!

John said...

I had a run-in today with a really unpleasant person. I think your next imagined film blog should be about a movied named, "Asshole."

troutking said...

John, great idea but that title's already in use for the upcoming Oliver Stone biographical film of Dick Cheney.

While Kenny Loggins would be great (not), I believe Little Steven will do the soundtrack since he can tour the sinkhole on his way to speaking here during chapel.

Jason said...


Can I just send a video for my part in the film? It was just a little hard at this time of the year to make your casting call.

jed said...

John - Tom Petty already has a perfect theme song for that movie.

Bob - an elderly couple in a motor home become entrenched because the wife packed everything but guessed it!

jed said...

i meant to type "kitchen."