Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Christmas Card Insert

The Carpenters--"Merry Christmas, Darling" (mp3)

Dear Everyone on The _____ Family Christmas card list,

In our haste to get our cards out (Target arrival date: Dec. 15th, always!), we forgot to include our annual update of the many varied and exciting things that have been going on in our lives. We trust you have been enjoying the photograph, but are wondering, what is going on with those folks? Well, wonder no more. Indeed, we are Blessed, as you will read. Enjoy!

Your incredible friends,
The _____ Family

Another whirlwind year gone by! Can you believe it? So many accomplishments, so many hopes and dream fulfilled. Has it really only been 365 days since our last letter? I'm shaking my head as I write this. Incredible, incredible year. Most of us like to think that our lives are pretty darn good, but ours really are!

Blinky, our African Grey Parrot, mastered several more Bible verses and other sayings this year. _____ has really been working with him. It was quite a hoot to hear him shout "Go with God!" as Minister Jordan was leaving after a Sunday supper of _____'s famous Macaroni and Seven Cheeses.

Our son, _____, 16, has become quite the little stock expert. Despite that pesky recession, he's managed to increase our personal portfolio by some 32%, setting us up for both long-term growth and a few little getaway trips this year. I know, I know, you want him to handle your portfolio as well. Sorry, you'll have to wait five more years until he's out of college and ready to take it public!

_____, 18, is waiting to hear from colleges, though I prefer to think that they'll be waiting to hear from her, since she not only scored a PERFECT 2400 on the SAT, she actually found an error on the test (2nd English section--our little reader! I'd tell you the exact mistake, but if you haven't read Thackeray's Vanity Fair, there's no point) which she pointed out to the College Board, and which they agreed was an error, so we like to think of her as more than perfect. She continues as the president of the "Jews for Jesus" club at our school, a club which she started. No, of course, we're not Jewish, God forbid, but she's become quite the little converter, having helped to save some 17 souls since the second half of her freshman year.

My beautiful, loving (a lot!) wife, _____, has been the perfect homemaker these past 22 years, but now with our children just about all grown up and ready to make their impact, she's ready to fulfill her dream of opening a greeting card store and designing her own cards. You know this will be a winner, you've received another of her famous homemade cards this year! Next year, you'll be able to buy the cards you send to us from her. Hint. Hint. Look for her shop opening in February (in time for Valentine's Day) over on Jackson Street.

As for me, my little business recycling Tampons and sanitary napkins has really taken off in this "Green" world we're living in now! We've got to protect God's world, and I'm proud to be doing my part. And have it pay off so handsomely! Let's just say I've "wrapped up" the market and "flushed" (just kidding, ladies, don't flush those!) the competition. With 30 full-time employees and several facilities, business just keeps growing! We may be in your neighborhood soon!

But life is not all work, is it? Heck, no! _____ and I have recommitted ourselves to our marriage, increasing our lovemaking sessions from 7 to 14 a week. Maybe we shouldn't be so public about that, but if you live within two or three houses of us, you already know, right? "Time's winged chariot" and all that, right? We've explored some new positions and techniques, quite pleasurably, but I'll tell you, it can make for some exhausting (italics mine!) Sundays on the weeks when we have missed a time or two because I have a Board meeting or _____ has her book group, and we have to play "catch up ball"! Luckily, the kids are usually at Starbucks studying and preparing for the upcoming week, so we can try out the pool table and not have to stifle our cries of passion.

Thank God that both of us are also still in terrific shape ( _____ tried on her 27-year-old prom dress for me, and well, let's just say she looked great in it.........while it was on!). We've been faithful to our sports club membership, though honestly, _____ is giving me such a workout, I'm not sure I even need the cardio machines at the club!

Of course, we continue to select each other's wardrobes, so that incredible trust factor that you've always admired in us is still there, too. Each of us thinks the other has superb taste, this year enhanced by trips to Milan and Paris to check out the latest fashion lines. Thanks again to that incredible son of ours and his market savvy!

In my spare time, I've been restoring my great-grandfather's original Ford Model T to full working order. This summer, we plan to recreate the Joads' trip from The Grapes of Wrath in that old clunker, (I know, I know, we English majors are a crazy bunch!) though I expect a better ending than those poor Joads, since we'll be staying with _____'s folks in Carmel-By-The-Sea for a week on the back end of the trip!

It is hard to imagine a life more fulfilling than ours. Still, we'd like to know what's going on with you, so we look forward to mail from you. It would be nice if your card could arrive before Christmas this year (if at all possible!), because _____ takes down the tree and the decorations the day after Christmas and starts getting the house ready for Valentine's Day! ( ___ and I are ready right now, so gotta go!). Write us, and remember, no card from you for two years, and you're off of our list. Ha. Ha. Just kidding. Not really. As the _____ Family likes to say (it's on our refrigerator!), "Life is busy. Keep up, if you can." We do.

In God's Loving Name,

The _____ Family!


Anonymous said...

the voice in my head reading this was David Sedaris

troutking said...


rodle said...

"Scenes from a High School Dance" and "Christmas Card Insert" put all other blogs to shame. Well done to both of you.

BeckEye said...

My old roommates always send out a Christmas letter, and I'm thinking that I need to send them a totally fake, very sarcastic one of my own this year.