Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Dear Mr. Olyphant...

Dream On Cowboy - Flesh For Lulu (mp3)
Bad Boyfriend - Garbage (mp3)

For the fourth time over Spring Break, I found myself drifting back into the land of the vulgar and wild west known as DEADWOOD. Or, what I’ve called The Greatest Show Ever On Television.

The only current television show I’m watching with loyalty is JUSTIFIED, currently in its second season on F/X network.

These two shows have many things in common, but one stares at you with piercing eyes so potent you actually worry your corneas might bleed if you stare back too long. The owner of those eyes is Seth Bullock a.k.a. Raylan Givens a.k.a. Timothy Olyphant.

I’ve never been shy about my man crushes because they’re not particularly sexual in nature. It’s possible for a man -- on an admittedly rare occasion, I grant you -- to actually find himself drawn powerfully to another person without it having the slightest thing to do with his pecker. I get the impression women are generally more comfortable with this feeling, some strange mixture of admiration and attraction. Men don’t seem willing to cop to it as easily.

When I first witnessed the storm that is Timothy Olyphant in the prurient yet highly enjoyable teen flick “The Girl Next Door,” I certainly hoped I was making acquaintance with a man I’d meet again. He managed to make the bad guy both frightening and charismatic. He was both bully and enemy to fratboys and preppie snots the world over. He was the kind of character who, in an S.E. Hinton novel, would have had a compelling back story and been the protagonist for whom we cheered.

“The Girl Next Door” wasn’t his debut. He cut his teeth slowly up the ladder, including a related if slightly more sadistic and evil version in GO. But TGND was the film that launched him into the next level.

Since my obsession with DEADWOOD began, I’ve managed to watch almost everything Olyphant has been in. It’s weird how that works. And it’s not just this one guy.

I chase around Ian McShane a.k.a. Al Swearengen, too. Hell, I watched every minute of that show KINGS. I think I was the only human on the planet who did, and I still argue that if McShane's character was just one time allowed to say "c**ksucker," ratings would've shot through the f**kin' roof. And if Nathan Fillion sneezes on camera, I’m likely to be sure I see it at least once. I don’t even think CASTLE is that good a show, but I watch because I loves me some Nathan, and his cop pal ain’t so bad herself, neither.

But Olyphant’s collection is especially impressive for being both understated yet strong.

Stop-Loss. A Perfect Getaway. The Crazies (as zombie horror films go, this one’s very good and unusually accessible for the non-zombie types out there). A turn in the second season of Damages. And then his portrayal of a Kentucky lawman come home to roost in JUSTIFIED.

F/X just announced that they have renewed ol’ Raylan Givens for a third season. Ratings for season two are up. Even though I don’t think this season is one hair’s breadth better than the first, I don’t mind if some folks are late to a great party so long as the party keeps going.

Dude, you can even make a friggin' STAR WARS reference and still bleed coolness!

Don’t worry, Timothy. I don’t want to marry you, and I don’t want to be some repressed Felix Unger in your midst. But even if you’re only half as damn cool and charismatic as the characters you play, feel free to upload some of that into the cloud and share it with all us nerdy scrawny awkward types. We sure would be mighty obliged.


BeckEye said...

I still haven't watched this show even though I do have a desire for Mr. Olyphant's pecker.

By the way, Mr. Olyphant's Pecker sounds like the raunchiest children's book ever.

rodle said...

@BeckEye - thank you for giving me next year's Fantasy Football team name. Now I just need a logo, preferably one that will distract Billy.

@Billy - Did you watch Pillars of the Earth? It's a pretty decent mini-series based on Follett's novel. Ian McShane does well as a corrupt and conniving Al Swearengen that conducts confessions.

Thom Anon said...

Olyphant had a nice run of episodes on The Office this year as rival salesman Danny Cordray.

My favorite part was when he was first pointed out to Michael Scott and Michael responded, "That's not a salesman, that's a male model."

Needless to say, pecker or not, hilarity ensued.