Thursday, January 5, 2012

20 No-No's For Real Men

Coming Back to a Man - Dawes (mp3)
Missionary Man - Eurhythmics (mp3)

Tuesday at lunch, Bob made an observation that began with, “A real man would never...” Obviously, he was referring to frequent BOTG reader John.

His random comment (#12) gave birth to today’s entry. What better two men to make a list of 20 No-No’s (#18) for Real Men than the paragons of all things masculine that are Bob and Billy

Now, with a wink and a nod (#6), we offer you our list. It is without flaw. Suggested amendments are welcomed; however, as real men, we will quietly dismiss them.

1. Facial hair is a sad attempt to overcompensate for... well, something. (See also: Hummers, steroids, trophy wives, and over-the-ear Beats headphones.)

2. Real men don't get sick. As in, sick enough to miss work. Even if you have to tie a shirt sleeve around your mouth for the entire day, get your ass into work where you can talk about how sick you are so that everyone knows how sick you are but that you are still man enough to come to work.

3. Real men don't wear turtlenecks. Only real, real men do. They're the only ones who are man enough to get away with one. The rest of us end up looking like John Lithgow after he had the sex-change in The World According To Garp.

4. Fantasy Football : 2011 :: Cigarettes : 1958 -- If you’re a real man in 2011, and you’re not participating in Fantasy Football, you have barred one of the easiest and most universal male topics of conversation from your repertoire. You don’t have to like fantasy football or watch the games; just shut up and play, even if you have to fake it. If you can’t fake it, get some advice from your girlfriend; she’s an expert.

5. When watching “The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo,” it is perfectly natural if you find yourself aroused by a scene where Lisbeth Salander’s erogenous zones are exposed. Never ever admit this to a woman, even if it’s just the scene of her screwing the ever-loving pea-snot out of Daniel Craig.

6. Real men don’t punctuate wisecracks with a wink and a nod. If the joke is funny, they’ll laugh. They don’t need your nudges. If you have a great signature laugh, it’s OK to laugh at your own jokes, because often your laugh is funny enough to make up for the shittier jokes.

7. Real men don't "go for a walk," don't own "walking shoes," don't call their walking "jogging." Jogging is really slow running and joggers can often be passed by fast walkers. Real men do PX90, or, better yet, talk about how they would be doing it if it wasn't for their backs.

8. Real men don't read novels. They read history, preferably Civil War, or books about sports or books about their work or their investments. Or better yet, books about how it's manly to be a Christian, about how Jesus was a manly man, about how men still need to go on quests and rescue women. Novels? Fuck. That's what movies are for.

9. Real men don't play tennis. There are more masculine ways to get women.

10. Real men don't Wii. That is "weak sauce." If you're going to be a gamer, at least use one of the macho gaming systems, preferably the X-Box 360.

11. Never Question Ben Affleck or Matt Damon. They are Real Men Gods. They are the contemporary celebrity versions of Leonaidas. They rule the legitimate movie landscape. Like all Real Men, they have had moments of imperfection and failure, but in the end they have managed to tame Hollywood and make it work for them rather than the other way around.

12. Never text the word “K” for “OK.” Expend that extra energy and type the fucking O. If you can’t type it, you can’t bring someone to it.
      12b. Never use more than a single exclamation point in a text message. No matter how many sentences are involved. More than one, and you might as well dot them with hearts and smiley-faces.

13. UGGs are for women. Period. (See also: Dr. Pepper Ten, the 10-calorie drink not for women... yeah, right.)

14. To sing Lady Gaga aloud is to announce your sexual attraction to those of your same gender. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But if you are, get the hell out of the closet already and be a Real Gay Man.

15. Don’t argue about Tim Tebow. Not for, not against, none of it. Just don’t. If your hand is forced or you are threatened at gunpoint, keep your answers simple, lest you confuse his biggest fans.

16. Real men don’t compete “just for fun.” Entering that city-wide dodgeball tournament isn’t just for shits and giggles. Even if that’s the original intent -- “we did it for a goof” -- you’re a man, and you know damn well that by the time the tournament date arrives, everyone on your team will be dead serious about it. And if you’re not, you’re not a real man.

17. Never, ever, begin a conversation with “Yesterday, on ‘The View’...”

18. “No-No” is a no-no unless you’re communicating with a child under the age of 5, and then only if you’re in your own home and speaking to your own child.

19. Never blame others first if you had any part in the failure. Much like the oxygen masks that fall from the ceiling of airplanes, you must first take your own medicine before you go dishing it out on others. Real men take responsibility, but they never apologize.

20. Real men don't turn down a drink. Sip it if you need to or dump it in the toilet if that works, but don't turn the damn thing down because you don't feel like drinking. Real Men always feel like drinking.


Hank said...

Who joined the dodgeball team as a goof? Because they will be banned from all future dodgeball teams. We are out there to win the tournament, or at the very least to defeat our mortal enemy: Polka Dot Socks.

Daisy said...

#12 is my favorite!

Anonymous said...

Culottes and anything with a hood that is not an actual sweatshirt.

Daisy said...

When can we expect the list of what makes you a real woman? Surely the two of you live with enough woman folk to be experts on that too?

Bob said...

Daisy, the fact that we live with "enough woman folk" is exactly why we aren't doing it. What kind of trouble are you trying to get us into?

Ok, here's one, though: a real woman's hair should never be shorter than her man's.

Daisy said...

Me? Stir up trouble? Never!

Good rule. I believe it was number 5 on my Dad's list of boyfriend rules circa 1988.

Anonymous said...

Real men...DO ALL OF THE ABOVE. Its the man whos insecure with his manhood who has to create these rules to convince others that he himself is a real man...

Billy said...

@Anonymous -- Thanks for reminding me of the one we left off: Real Men have absolutely no sense of humor.