Sunday, February 24, 2013


You will think I'm being critical, when I'm really just being fat.

Right now, in homes around me, people are trying to eat the same way that the dinosaurs ate.  Other people are eating a modified version of the Atkins Diet, since that guy died and was discredited.  This time, they have a master list of 100 foods that they are allowed to eat and they may not eat beyond the list.  Which doesn't have carbs.  Hence, the Atkins Diet.  Or they are trying to eat like Diabetics.  Cause they don't want to become diabetics.  Or they are eating all of their food within an 8-hour time block each day, because that's the way that people who used to have only an 8-hour time block to eat used to eat.

There are so many diets going on simultaneously that I don't suppose that I should eat anything but grass.  Except that this young woman always takes her big dog through our yard and our next-door-neighbor's "electric fence" doesn't work and so her dog is always over here shitting too, and so I'm afraid to eat the grass.

What is left?

I mean, all of the diets are canceling each other out.  People on the 8-hour plan don't want their eating day to end at 3PM, so they are delaying the start of their eating until 10AM.  But that means they are missing breakfast.  Which is the most important meal of the day, according to other eating plans which say that a healthy metabolism depends on a good breakfast within 30 minutes of waking up.

I know a guy who put all of his calories into lunch.  Yep, lost a bunch of weight that way, eating only one meal a day. Another used a "liquid diet" to shed years of unhappiness.  My dad is into blenders.

A documentary my daughter made me watch says that eating fat doesn't make you fat; eating sugar makes you fat.  And all carbs convert to sugar.  Grab a stick of butter for breakfast and you're good to go. Grab a bowl of Sugar Frosted Flakes and you're fucked.  Red meat is okay, says one, unless you're eating red meat, says another.

In my house, among others, we've tried vegan, vegetarian, a vegetable soup diet (I can still remember the "hunger strike" feeling of that one), and, for at least one of our members, a diet that consisted only of offerings at the restaurant O'Charley's, a restaurant we had previously considered as being at the bottom of the fern bar chain.  That one lasted two days.

I don't know how to eat anymore.  The fried chicken I ate at lunch yesterday is bad for me.  The turkey burger I ate for supper is not as good for me as I think.  The bagel/pastry I didn't get at Panera this morning is as bad for me (see: need for breakfast) as if I had eaten one of their fat-laden cinnamon rolls.  The French lunch of salad, croissants, and mushroom- broccoli crepes that I made today had too much of something, I'm sure.  We won't even mention the pork butt I smoked all night or the Baked Lays (aka future fat) that I'm eating as I type this.

All I know is that I have constructed a diet that I know will work, though perhaps it will only work for me.  If I would do it.  Nevertheless, feel free to borrow it at any time.  There are only 10 rules, as follows:


1.  Don't drink so much beer (insert your personal vice of choice).
2.  Get off your ass.
3. Don't drink so much beer.
4. Get off your ass.
5. Don't drink so much beer.
6. Get off your ass.
7. Don't drink so much beer.
8. Get off your ass.
9. Don't drink so much beer.
10. Get off your ass.

I know, I'm kind of a genius.


troutking said...

If Chris Christie becomes President, all diets are off.

Billy said...

If you have the gumption and tenacity to make your 10-point plan into a 215-page book, I wouldn't be surprised if you made a lot of money off it. But you'd need to add something about a "Beer Holiday" and how awesome it is because the dieter is allowed, once each quarter, to funnel an entire 12-pack. Or something.

rodle said...

I think that is a brilliant diet, except for the part that calls for drinking less beer. Cancel that out, and it's perfect.

george said...

Your daughter is right about sugar and carbs.

Bob said...

I know, George. No argument here.