Monday, February 24, 2014

Mount Rushmania

In the world of journalism and trolling, it wasn't enough to have Top 10 lists, or Top 5 lists. Such an approach failed to generate enough anger and vitriol in the blogosphere, so we have found a new way to get people's dander up, and we've used our National Parks and our Dead Presidents (not money) in our attempts to create more comment fodder and bigger pissing contests over nonsense.

We now use Mount Rushmore as an excuse to create a Best Four of anything. Want to piss off Bill Russell? Ask Lebron James about his Mount Rushmore of the NBA. Want to piss off your college athletic conference? Ask someone to name a decade-by-decade Mount Rushmore of Big10 hoops stars.

There's a Mount Rushmore of acting, a Mount Rushmore of Big 12 football players, a Mount Rushmore of NFL quarterbacks, and even a Mount Rushmore of high school basketball players. (You'd think I was making that last one up, but no, some idiot made one.)

And just in case you needed someone to tell you, not a one of these mean anything. They're just the random decisions of a person or small group of people eager to annoy others by inevitably leaving someone deserving off.

It's never about whom you include; it's about whom you neglect. Always has been, and always will be. Mount Rushmore, while beautiful, was really just an excuse to piss off Millard Fillmore (those Whigs were always a testy bunch).

So I want in on this. I want to piss people off just by compiling lists of four greats in a category. Below are some random Mount Rushmores of my own devising. They are genuine. They are compiled with sincerity and thought. And they are without question going to run into strong disagreement from someone. The only question is who is so offended that they are compelled to write a comment about it.

The Mount Rushmore of Superheroes:
Wolverine, Spider-Man, Batman, Superman

The Mount Rushmore of Poets:
Dante, Homer, e.e. cummings, William Butler Yeats

The Mount Rushmore of Professional Sports Teams:
Manchester United, Dallas Cowboys, New York Yankees, LA Lakers

The Mount Rushmore of Romantic Comedies:
When Harry Met Sally, Jerry Maguire, The Graduate, The Princess Bride

The Mount Rushmore of March 2014 Album Releases:
The Hold Steady, The Belle Brigade, Sleeper Agent, Nickel Creek
(I cheated on Nickel Creek; it's due April 1, but it'll be streaming sooner!)

The Mount Rushmore of Deadwood:
Seth Bullock, Calamity Jane, Doc, Al Swearingen

The Mount Rushmore of Dook Football Greats:

The Mount Rushmore of Arnold Schwarzenegger Movies:
Conan the Barbarian, Predator, The Terminator, True Lies

The Mount Rushmore of A Song of Fire and Ice:
Tyrion Lannister, Jon Snow, Davos Seaworth, Daenerys Targaryen

The Mount Rushmore of Rush Songs:
Tom Sawyer, The Spirit of Radio, Closer to the Heart, The Big Money

The Mount Rushmore of TV Comedies:
Seinfeld, I Love Lucy, The Simpsons, The Cosby Show

The Mount Rushmore of College Basketball Coaches:
Bobby Knight, Dean Smith, John Wooden... (and, under protest from my soul) Coach K

The Mount Rushmore of Beatles:
George Harrison, Paul McCartney, John Lennon, Stu Sutcliffe

The Mount Rushmore of '80s Hair Rock Bands:

The Mount Rushmore of Shakespeare Plays:
Hamlet, Macbeth, King Lear, Romeo and Juliet

The Mount Rushmore of Characters in Rushmore:
Max Fischer, Herman Blume, Rosemary Cross, Dr. Nelson Guggenheim

C'mon! Get in on the action! You don't need to know anything about anything! Just think of a category, eat a Twizzler, and type down four of the first five things in that category you think of! No one can question you, because none of it means jack squat!

* -- just kidding about the Hair Bands. The obvious answer is:
Bon Jovi, Def Leppard, KISS, Guns 'n' Roses


troutking said...

I was thinking of the Mt Rushmore of Beatles as I was reading but you beat me to it, except you were way more mean to Ringo than I was going to be.

Billy said...

Thanks Trout. I almost put Ringo as one of Dook's best football players. You know, so he wasn't left out. And I'm sure if he'd played football at Dook, he would've been the best.

Bob said...

Um...Steelers? Most Super Bowl wins, winning record against Dallas in Super Bowls, and have actually played in Super Bowls THIS CENTURY (and won one).

Where did you go to college? Duke?

Billy said...

George Washington hadn't won an election in over TWO CENTURIES when he was placed on Mount Rushmore, Bob. And Riddle me this: If the Stillers are that awesome, why aren't they even in the Top 10 most valuable NFL franchises? Nope. Dallas has most appearances in SB and highest value. But Pittsburgh is a deserving finalist.

Bob said...

Better check your facts. Steelers and cowboys both have 8 appearances, with Steelers having better head to head and overall won/lost record.

stowstepp said...

1) I agree that the Steelers should replace the 'Boys, and argue that franchise $ value shouldn't be considered a large part of the equation of M.R. worthiness.

2) Celtics should replace Lakers. I'll admit my fan-boy bias, but the Celtics have more championships and have had some recent success as well (2008). And both are pathetic this year.

3) Mt Rushmore of Prog Rock bands:
Genesis, Yes, Pink Floyd, King Crimson