Sunday, November 2, 2014

She Is Beyoncé, I Am Jay-Z

I know, I know, Rocktober is over, and our legions of readers who disappear when we get obsessed with music are ready come back and read about our puny opinions on topics that matter, like elections and Ebola.  (Note: I'm for elections; I think everyone in America should vote. I could easily live with those results.  And I'm against Ebola.  So those topics are covered.). Anyway, my reference in the title to Mr. And Mrs. King and Queen of Rap and All Things Hip-Hop has nothing to with music.  It is about food.

The first Vegan meal--mashed avocado toast
on wholegrain bread, carrots, tortilla chips, with
 apple cider.
See, apparently, Beyoncé and Mr. Z took a 22-day Vegan challenge or something.  I say "apparently" because everything about their lives, including their marriage, appears to be an embellishment or fabrication, according to many Internet sources and rival hip-hop songs.  But the Vegan thing, well, maybe that's real, or, at least it's real enough that my spouse and I are all in.

Apparently Jay-Z and Beyonce liked it.

Chalk it up that I'd do anything for my vegetarian wife who has eaten chicken fingers, breakfast sausage, chicken kabobs, pepperoni pizza, and bbq this weekend.  Clearly, something has derailed.  Meat--it's what vegetarians eat when they cheat!  Right now, she's finishing my daughter's cheeseburger that I made for her "last meal."

That's right: tonight is that last meat meal for the bulk of November, and I will be eating my last hamburger and last cheese for some time.

So basically, for the next three weeks between Halloween and Thanksgiving, we are "going Vegan."  It is a circumstance that I have mocked many, many times, but, then, I mocked Pumpkin Season and yet found myself quaffing a variety of pumpkin ales, so I guess my mockery has no legs.

Luckily, the stores are filled with "vegan" beers.

Luckily, I can cook.  If you can't/won't cook, I don't see any way that Veganism is manageable, practical, or ethical.  If the world has to cook your Vegan for you, you are already doing something wrong.  See?  I haven't even started yet and I've already gotten judgmental, exclusive and preachy.  So don't tell the real Vegans that I ain't giving up honey, despite the obvious exploitation of the bees.

Here's a way to look at this that might be helpful:  if you're thinking of inviting us to supper in the next three weeks, you'd better be serving mushroom and barely soup, though we would appreciate it if you would replace the barley with a more nutritious farro.  If you're going to Bud's with me, expect me to order the chips and salsa and a house salad without the bacon bits and cheese.  If I'm going to Big River with you, I'll eat the pretzel sticks but not the jalapeño cheese dip that comes with it.  At Kumo, it might be teriyaki tofu or avocado rolls, miso soup.

If you have Oreos, which are oddly vegan, I might break into your office.

At the same time, feel free to take advantage of the situation.  "Hey, Bob, all that cheese in your fridge? Would you mind if I took that off your hands before it goes bad?  You got any steaks in the freezer you're not using?  Bacon and eggs?  Hand 'em over."

What Beyoncé doesn't tell us in "Drunk In Love" is that when you're living off kale chips, mini-peppers, and Tofurky, a gin and tonic can really take the edge off.  Which may explain Jay-Z's pointless middle 8 rap in the song as well.  Maybe the guy just wanted a slice of pizza.

7 comments:

Kath said...

Ah-ha! I see you've learned something from me, re the exploitation of the bees & the troubling veganism of Oreos.

Can we expect green smoothies to make an appearance on the blog as well?

Billy said...

I imagine, in my carnivorous mind, that were I to stop eating the flesh and fiber of other living creatures, or the side products of their lives in captivity, I would be every bit as cranky as if I were to give up caffeine, or alcohol, or smoking, or whatever addictive substance you wish to insert here.

Unfortunately, veganism is like Christianity. It's so full of good intentions and arguably inspiring people, yet the obnoxious zealots kill most peoples' desire or interest to join that cult.

troutking said...

Vegetarian I can do with relative ease. Vegan would be almost impossible for me, starting first thing in the morning with cream in my coffee. It's a must. Good luck!

Bob said...

The best part is that we aren't doing it for any particular reason. Just seeing what it's like to be vegan for a few weeks. Coffee, Trout, is like a red door--paint it black!

Hank said...

Over the last month, I have been sampling and ranking many of the new Oreo flavor varieties now available. What a time to be alive! Here are my rankings as they stand now:

1: Reese's Peanut Butter Cup
2: Pumpkin Spice
3: Berry
4: Birthday Cake (vanilla cookie)
5: Cookie Dough
6: Birthday Cake (chocolate cookie)

I have also heard great things about mint, but I haven't tried them yet.

Bob said...

But are they in your office?

Daisy said...

The mint Oreos are quite good. The Carmel Apple are tasty, but stay away from the Banana Split.