Wednesday, April 1, 2015

I Guess I'm A Conservative

It's been a long time evolving and has taken even longer for me to admit, but I guess I'm actually a Conservative. It didn't happen overnight.

I drank the Liberal Kool-Aid for years, so convinced I was that to be on the left side of things was the right side.  I was for all of the "right" (I mean left!) causes--the poor, the minorities, the women and all of their issues, the anti war stance, the environment, the social programs to "level the playing field," education reform, and God knows what else.

But a funny thing happened in the last election.  As I watched Republican after Republican sweep into office, I was shouting at the television, especially to lower class white people, "You idiots!  You are voting against your own self-interests!  They've got you caring about issue that have no impact on your life!"

And that was the moment.  Woah, I thought, that's me.  I've been voting against MY own self-interests!  They had me thinking that somehow I was serving the common good and the betterment of society by voting in favor of issues that won't ever affect me at all.

And the switch flipped.  So, I'm still a little rusty at this Conservative thing and I don't have all of the lingo down or anything, but I've been working on where I stand so that you will have no doubt that my new colors are my true colors.  I am a Conservative.  I will be voting that way, for Republcans and Tea Partiers and Libertarians (who I used to call people who are afraid to admit that they are Republicans) and anyone else who is for me.  Here are some of my new positions that I'm trying out:

--Let's be candid: I'm not the 1%, but I am the 5%.  Yeah, me and the wife do well enough.  Well enough that anything that trickles down will at least get to us.  And I've got investments and retirement that aren't always a sure thing, so, yeah, I'm taking any tax cut that comes my way, and I'm not blinking an eye.  I've worked for a long time to get my portfolio where it is and I don't want it to be jeopardized by the whims of the American economy, especially as overseen by a Democrat.  Sure, I've made a ton of money while he has been in office, but there's no guarantee that will continue.  You could probably be in the 5% too, if you worked a little harder.

--Let's say I owned a company that makes plastic forks.  Well, guess what people serve wedding cakes with?  That's right.  Plastic forks.  So, me, I'm a. Christian, and if I had a plastic forks business, those forks would be Christian, too.  The last thing I want is my fork in some gay couple's mouths when they feed each other cake, you know?  As a Christian business owner, I should get to say where that fork goes.  Even if I don't have any forks.  That is not the point.

--Let's be careful here, but I don't know if you've worked around women.  I have.  And in my 32 year experience, they talk a lot.  My office has secretaries on both sides, and they are always going into each other's offices to talk.  I've even come in early, and, since they get to work before us, I've heard them talking about us and the stuff we do.  They are not very respectful.  I don't think they should make as much as we do, which is right, because they don't.  Because they are secretaries, uh, administrative assistants.

--The older I get, the more I think it would be cool to have a gun.  I want to be able to fire one.  I think it would be cool to go to a range on the weekends and put those glasses and goggles on and then have the targets come towards me.  In case targets ever come towards me, which they have, in my house, but I didn't have a gun and so I had to yell and scared them away that way.  A gun would be much more decisive.

Those are just a few of the new places where I stand.  Soon, I'll be quitting the recycling that I'm doing, going to church a whole lot more, thanking our servicemen and our men in blue, and not worrying about that guy at the gas station, the black woman I see pulled over when everyone else is speeding, or the woman who cleans my office who tells me it's a good month when she is able to save  $10.  Why did she get a minimum wage job anyway?  Those pay crap.  Why doesn't she go back to school.

Oh, well, this world has a lot of problems for those who won't help themselves and there isn't a whole lot that I can do about it.  We got to find a way for them to get some internal motivation.  Still, it's kind of sad to see them, but I realize now that is is just weakness on my part and helps them not at all.    It's like my white, heterosexual friend said about that new law in Indiana: "I'm not going to change my vacation plans over it."  He's right.  It's our world and we need to get to as much of it as we can.  The safe parts, anyway.


Anonymous said...

April fools!?

Bob said...

What do you mean?

Mikepencetakemyhand said...

Maybe a conservative by 1970's standards, but you still sound like a RINO. Oh well, baby steps.