In a shocking, last-minute development, Bob has declined to endorse Corona Light as "The Official Beer Of Bob's Summer Vacation '15." The non-endorsement has sent shockwaves through the beer industry and left executives wondering "What, exactly, does it take to get this friggin' endorsement?"
Oddly, Bob appeared to be most shocked of all, as the story broke. "I thought they had it, I really did. I mean, it's been my 'go-to' the whole time I"ve been in Florida. It really has. It was there for me when I was cooking, grilling it. It was with me when I'd sit out on the porch and play my guitar late at night. It goes well with every crappy thing I've eaten as part of my "batchelor's diet" down here in F-L-A--pizza, Asian, Chili's carry out, even a bag of Indian snacks, but, well, not Honey Nut Cheerios. That would be too Raising Arizona."
Perry Bush, Regional Sales Manager for Corona America, based out of Texas, was even more stunned. "I really thought we had with the slimline cans. He's kind of a 'can' guy these days. And down around the pool, or by the grill, these easy-carry cans seemed the perfect product for him. Plus, he's not a 'koozie' guy, so we didn't anticipate the slippage complaints we've gotten from other vacationers, and we didn't get the. We thought we had it sewed up."
Indeed, even when he was spotted leaning over the third floor railing of his condo drinking a can of Hotter Than Helles Lager, Bush said he was not worried. "Everybody strays," he said, "But we all know Bob is not a craft beer guy, and when it dawns on him that he can get almost 12 of us for 6 of them, we knew he would come back.
Theories abound, then, as to what happened. Friends thought that maybe he was still stinging from that Halloween two years when all of beer advocate.com turned against him over his blog piece, "The Beer I'm Drinking Apparently Sucks," a somewhat tongue-in-cheek argument in favor of The Yeunglings of the world over super-hoppy IPAs.
Bob assures us that was not it. "I'm over that nightmare. Since then, I've been drinking a few more craft beers and the world has come to its sense somewhat to realize that sometime paying crazy money for stupidly-named beer doesn't make sense. At least, not on a budget."
Another theory asserts that Bob is playing hard to get in order to get a bit more money from Corona. "Not true," says Bob. "I've never received a dime for my Summer Vacation endorsement (last summer it went to Tecate). They get the money. I pay for my beer like everyone else."
Over at Tecate, of course, a different kind of corporate soul-searching is taking place due to the loss of Bob's endorsement this year. For Tecate, however, there is no mystery. "For whatever reason, the Publix supermarkets in the part of Florida where Bob vacations has stopped carrying Tecate in cans," a company spokesman who did not wish to be identified said. "Rest assured that heads will roll over this one. That oversight is inexcusable."
"And there were our slimline cans sitting right in the shelves where Tecate used to be, in the Mexican area. How did we not make this happen?" a mortified Perry Bush said.
"Blame The Food Babe," says Bob. And he gets a collective 'Huh?' from the beer people.
"Well, I was in the library," continues Bob, "Just looking around and I see a book called The Food Babe Way, which piques my interesting, so I pull it off the shelf and there's an attractive woman on the cover asserting that she can help you/me to "break free from the hidden toxins in your food. Well, if you know me, you know I'm all about hidden toxins. I'm a label reader. So I flip open the book. And in some kind of weird cosmic coincidence, I'm staring at a list and seeing the words "Corona" and "propylene glycol alginate" in the same box."
"And I flip a bit and see that the propylene stuff is, more or less, the antifreeze you put in your car for cold weather. Except in beer, it minimizes the head you get from your poured beer. I know, I know."
"See, beer makers aren't required to list the ingredients in their beer. So you think you're drinking some combo of water, barley, hops, malt, maybe rye. Wrong! If you're drinking a fairly well-known beer, there's a good chance they've added coloring, corn syrup or other sweeteners ( and I'm not talking about flavored beers like shandys, where it's obvious), fish bladders, moss, "natural flavor", and a host of other potentially-GMO stuff."
"So you're saying we need to take all of the added stuff out of our beer to get your endorsement?" Perry Bush asks.
"Yes," Bob says. "You need to become the Panera of beer."
"What about Tecate?" says a voice from the back of the room.
"Sorry, guy, but I think your beer isn't popular enough to make her list."